Just Cause I Love You....

     I know it's been awhile. It's not like anybody's reading this shit, anyway. Guess if nobody else benefits from it, I will. It's cathartic for me. And I definitely need some release right now...
    Just had a huge fight with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. Maybe I didn't handle myself well. Maybe he didn't handle himself well, either. Doesn't matter. It shouldn't have happened regardless. Stupid shit. Bottom line is, we've been together for a long time. 4 years is a very long for a young couple. Marriage is the next obvious step. And I'd love to marry him. I don't think anything would make me happier. But, honestly, there are things that make me doubt our future together. Mainly: me. I fell in love with him hard at the beginning. Very hard. And I loved him with every fiber of my being and with every ounce of strength that I had (not to say that I don't anymore, because I am still very much in love with him). But it seemed like the intensity of my love went unreturned until now. And now, I'm tired. You can only push yourself so hard for so long until you wear yourself out. Now, he's giving everything he has to our relationship, and I'm just kind of going along for the ride. Is it because I feel like I've done my part? Because I don't want to set myself up for more pain? Did I fall in love too fast? Have I set myself & our whole relationship up to fail because of that? Or am I just selfish? I don't think I'll ever figure this out. "If it's meant to be, it will be." Yeah, that sure sounds pretty. Now, how do you deal with trying to make something permanent when everything around you seems to tell you that it's temporary?
-j.jones